Have you seen the Horatio Hornblower TV series? It’s about a young man who goes off to sea as a midshipman in the British Royal Navy during the Napoleonic Wars. It is based on C.S. Forester’s novels. He is young, principled, humble and bound by duty.

It was admirable. He even married a woman he did not love because of duty. Chinese are big on duty. Obedience was your duty so if your parents chose a husband for you, you got dressed in red, got into the palanquin and went to your husband’s house and served your mother-in-law and your husband and his family. I will never forget the day I met a girl in college, my age, who said calmly and matter-of-factly that she was waiting for her parents to choose her husband for her. My jaw literally dropped! I couldn’t fathom how a modern young girl could still abide by such antiquated laws! She said, “I think it is a good thing. They love me most and know me very well and have my best interests at heart.” Even so, let someone choose your husband for you? No way, Jose! Not for me.

Is love really the anchor of a relationship? Books, songs, movies, tell us so. But is it? I know many people who fall in love and out of love so often, it’s like watching for the cycles of the moon. If love is the basis, then it’s all about feeling. And feelings change. So, there’s no permanence there. When my dear husband was courting me, I got a telegram on my birthday saying, “Je t’aime pour l’éternité.” I broke down in tears. My friend said, “But that’s wonderful! So romantic! So sweet! Why are you crying your eyes out?”

“Because you don’t know what he means by “eternity”! He says it is “une cumulation des instants presents!” And I sobbed harder into my hands.

That was 25 years ago and we’re still together, thank God. We do love each other and over the years that love has remained the same. The expression of it has changed. He and I, we fit together, we’re growing old together. He snores. I don’t wake him if I can’t sleep anyway. I will nudge him if I am falling asleep or if he wakes me up. I don’t let up when I’ve got an idea in my head, be it buying butter or writing an email to the Swiss administration, so even if it isn’t a priority for him, he will indulge me. Out of love but also because he knows that’s the only way he will have peace and quiet.

A friend married out of love and he left her for someone else. Another did the same and he ended up beating her. Another stays with her husband but resents him. My mom and dad were like cats and dogs but they couldn’t do without each other.
Love. Duty. Commitment. Maybe we need a little of each to make marriage work.

Love vs. duty. Can a relationship last based on duty? We think not. We have been so brainwashed into believing that love is primordial that … [to be continued].